I’m not quite sure where to start. It’s been over 2 months since I last wrote a blog post, so before I try and jump back on the blogging wagon, I thought it was best if I explained why I’ve been M.I.A. I suffer with anxiety, panic attacks, and depression, and have done all my life.
I was first diagnosed with depression age 5, so it’s something I have grown up with and learnt how to “manage.” However, sometimes circumstances and situations, or sometimes nothing at all, can build up and result in what can only be described as a break down. I know it’s coming, I can feel it building. The best way I can describe it is I feel like I’m slipping through the holes of a massive net, holding on by a thread, often with no-one noticing or realising just how bad things are. That’s the thing about depression, it’s not visible.
I have a particularly wicked and dark sense of humour at times, and one of my favourite, dry-sense-of-humour sayings is when people ask how I am, I reply, “well, I wouldn’t say I’m suicidal but I’m not exactly happy either.” But just before Christmas, I was suicidal. The darkness consumed me and it’s taken me months to even get to this point. Suicidal thoughts can be extremely scary, but it’s the isolation and loneliness whilst your feeling that way which are the hardest feelings to battle. Suicide is often labelled as a very permanent solution to a temporary problem. But here’s what some people don’t understand, at the time, suicide seems like the only release; the only way out, the only way to stop the pain and darkness that can overwhelm and consume you. I’m used to this, I know what it’s like to be depressed, I know all the tips and tricks to combat it, to fight it; but none of it was working. I just couldn’t shake it off, which made me feel worse because I was so cross at myself for feeling this way and not being able to beat it, like all the other times.
I had my meds changed as the ones I had been on no longer seemed to be working for me, I wasn’t sleeping and those new meds caused me to rapidly gain weight. I was completely isolated with practically no support raising 2 kids alone – and when I say I was alone, I really mean it; no family helping out, no “going to Daddy’s for the weekend”, I didn’t even have play-dates. I didn’t know what “fun” or “me-time” was anymore. I had 2 kids, 24/7 for almost a year – which, let me tell you, is hugely exhausting and draining and as one health professional said, is enough to cause anyone to have a break down. I was reaching out to people; that was the worst thing about it, I was crying out for help, desperately, but no one seemed to be hearing me or paying any attention. I had my meds changed again, and again, then just after Christmas I was told my house was being sold – just like that, after 5 years. For the past 5 months I have been facing the very real possibility of homelessness with my 2 children, unable to find a house despite daily searches. Only yesterday did I manage to secure a house for us, without having to sell the dog or move towns or move the kids to a new school. I almost cried with relief!
So there it is, I haven’t actually been anywhere; some days, many days actually, I only just about managed to get the kids to school and back. I’m not where I need to be, mentally, emotionally or physically; but I’m not where I was either, and that’s a good, a really good thing. Apart from getting fit, well and healthy, I also want to focus on my blog again, posting more often and building up my followers and little BB community; so hopefully this is the first post of many to come and I won’t be away for so long again. Blossom Bride turned 1 in March and I didn’t do anything to celebrate or mark the occasion, but I will do something soon. My motto for years has been to “keep on keeping on”, and that’s what I’m somehow managing to do right now. For those of you who have continued to follow me, stayed with me, and have read this far, thank you very, very much. I hugely appreciate every single one of you and hope to bring some creative Blossom Bride tips, ideas and inspiration to you again soon.